UGGGGGGG.

FML and my fatass. There is where I am at right now.

haha. No, wait, I am going to kill you!

So the coworker that suggested I try my current diet plan seen me today. He called me "The Incredible Disappearing Lauren". Which was cool, I liked that. I mean, I haven't lost that much weight, but I will take it. I pictured myself in some skinny bitch circus being all "whoah, now you see the muffin tops, now you DON'T" or me using my current leggings as a trampoline. I digress...about an hour later, he walked by my office and said "I think your boyfriend owes me a thank you card"......at first I laughed and said, "Yeah, he will". but then I thought "OH WHAT THE FUCK?" So does this mean I was REALLY porktastic and now am not so much or does that mean "I am currently a spitting image of a beached whale rocking some (pretty sweet) Pumas but will eventually loose some blubber? huh. I guess I will never know. Seeing as how he is pretty much my future boss, I guess I will have to deal with never knowing.

hahaha. I actually find it pretty funny.

Juuuust kidding.

Hello. I would like to share what happened yesterday morning. Firstly, this weekend, I did not stick to my diet as I should have. Friday I went to long without eating so when I did get around food I went buck-nutty. Saturday I had a Grad-party to attend that had several tasty treats I could not deny. I pretty much assumed I would gain back some of the 8 pounds I had lost. Sunday morning I knew it was time to face the music and get my fat ass on the scale. I stepped on the scale and jumped off angry at myself. I could not believe I worked so hard for nothing. I immediately started bitching and almost crying in front of Daryl. The conversation was as follows:

Me: OMG I gained ALL of it back in 2 days. 2 Days! This is ridiculous. I even shared a piece of cake instead of getting my own,  how did I gain 8 pounds?
Daryl: Don't worry about it you are going to start again this week and you will loose it all.
Me: No I won't! I am never going to be skinny and hot. I am a failure who is doomed to be a nasty fatass the rest of my life!
Daryl: Baby, you look fine now, but we will make sure we do not tempt you as much next weekend. I will be more conscious of what I eat around you.
Me: It doesn't matter. FML, I hate my life...etc etc etc (you get the point)
Daryl: Hang in there I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. You will get there. We will work really hard next weekend...etc etc etc.

At this point, since I am an emotional cutter, I decide to get back on the scale to really make myself feel bad for effing up. I think "get back on the scale you porker, see what you did!!" You know almost like sticking the dogs nose in the puddle he made. Then the conversation was as follows:
Me: Oh...
Daryl: What?
Me: Well...
Daryl: What? What is it?
Me: Well I guess I was reading it wrong.
Daryl: What do you mean?
Me: So come to find out, I actually lost another 2 pounds. I kinda forgot where I started and read the scale wrong.
Daryl: Seriously Lauren?
Me: hehe, yeah. Yay me?
Daryl: I hate you.
Me: Well, if it was test you would have passed. So good job. Remember all that if I end up gaining again.
Daryl: I hate you.

Well friends, I am dying. Please spread my ashes at Ted Drews.

NO seriously.


Last week I abandoned the ol' Weight Watchers for a while. Here is my reasoning: Right now I need something with more structure and that guarantees faster results. If I have to wait 1 year to lose the weight, it just ain't gonna happen. Because I think "Welp, if it is going to take that long...screw it". HENCE, I decided to try a new diet. I normally wouldn't buy into such things but I work with someone who did this new diet and lost 40 lbs in 4 months. Hell to the yes. After I loose the metric ton I need to, I plan on going back to WW because it will seem like a treat compared to Medifast.


On to the dying topic. Holy Shit I am fucking hungry! I feel like one of those ethiopian kids trapt in a pale fat kid's body. I keep checking to see if I can see my ribs, but nope. Day one of diet is not going so well. I seriously think my body is in shock. Its all "hey fat ass, what are you doing? How dare you feed me healthy things in such small portions. How do you expect us to maintain the cellulite if you don't feed me? Muffin tops just don't happen, it took years of bacon and ice cream you porker".  Yeah, so my body is in shock and friends, I am alllll kinds of bitchtastic today. It is probably a good thing the boyfriend is out of town right now. I am pretty sure if I had to watch him eat a tasty dinner tonight while I gnaw on chicken and broccoli...I would crawl across the table and smack the living shit out of him. Lord knows he doesn't deserve to have the living shit smacked right out of him....


In summary: I am dying of hunger and bitchiness. The only thing keeping me going is the thought of me being able to dress up instead of hiding behind tshirts and baggy jeans.

Fuck You Wii Fit!

So, after years of wanting it I finally landed a Wii Fit (plus). I was really excited to get that up and going. I think it will be a great supplement to my running routine. It will also keep me from sitting around after work and shoving my face. I fired it up, got my measurements and then that motherfucker categorized me as obese! WTF?!? Don't get me wrong, I know I have waaaaayyyy too much junk in my trunk but OBESE? My Mii turned into a fatass before my eyes. Pudgey cheeks and all. I thought Obese was reserved for people who had to get the special furniture made for big people or that chick at Walmart who almost ran me over with her motorized cart. Nope, I am in the same category.

Sighhhh, guess it is time to get my fat..nono, OBESE ass in gear.

Supportive Bras

Bras like what Dogg the Bounty Hunter says....duh (bros but with an a).
I have come to realize how lucky I am to have such a great support network during my weight loss "journey". I can't think of another word so journey will do just fine.

Michelle: Miss Michelle is one of those people who I may not see very often, but when I need it she is there for me. She is also proof that Weight Watchers works (go Michelle!!). She is one of the few people that I can say things like "I don't wanna go cause I am fat" and instead of judging me, she says "yeah, I know what you mean". A girl needs a friend like that to assure me I am not bat shit crazy.

Roberta: I work with Roberta and she is really what inspired me to do Weight Watchers. I have really enjoyed seeing her transformation. She has lost damn near 50 pounds (go Roberta!!). Also, every other day when I am considering quitting this whole diet thing, she is the one who talks me back on the wagon. She assures me that I am not the only one with slip-ups. We also can badmouth the skinny bitches we work with who try to entice us with tasty foods, oddly enough when they know we are trying to loose weight. kiss my overweight right ass cheek, leave us alone! haha. She also brought be a handy-dandy Weight Watchers Calender, that was very nice. :)

April: Sighhhhh, what can I say about Mrs. April?? She is by far the best-best friend a girl could ask for. Her honesty and sincerity are the two qualities I admire most about her, besides her ability to be a great mom. She is also an inspiration to get up and going with this whole weight loss thing, but even more importantly, she insists that I am decent the way I am now. And I quote:" I just hope you can find love for yourself whether you reach your ultimate goal or just part of it. Because even if you don't, just trying says something." That is straight from a FB message people. Who says those things?!!? My best friend April does. And words cannot describe how thankful or how much those words mean to me.

Durr-ell: Talk about a trooper. He has to hear the constant comments I make about my weight or skinny bitches. Poor guy, lol. He has to convince me that I do NOT look to fat to go on a float trip or out with friends. Maybe I should work on that....Anywho, he also is a great liar. He says nice things to me that make me feel a little less repulsive. He also has been a great motivator in working out and eating more decent. For example, here was some thing very close to our conversation re guarding dinner on Friday night:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Daryl: I don't know what sounds good to you?
Me: Well, I think frozen pizza sounds really good.
Daryl: Really? That doesn't sound good to me, I will cook some chicken.
Me: Are you sure, cause it is already pretty late. Mmmmm pizza.
Daryl: No, we are eating chicken.
Me: fine.

Now we all know everyone likes pizza. Who doesn't think frozen pizza is perfect on a Friday night? NO ONE. Buuuut he knew, I was having a hard time getting through the week. So he convinced me otherwise. Nice, nice work.

At this point you are probably wondering why I am rambling about these people. Well, I suppose it just hit me how lucky I am to have them in my life. I know some people have zero support and still manage to loose the weight, so I really have no excuses. I am ready to do this and so I almost owe it to everyone to be happier and a better friend (who doesn't bitch about how my thighs look like an elephants thighs).

I am only down one pound this week, but considering I had a slip up on Thursday, I'll take it.

Thanks friends. Your support and understanding means more than you know!

OK. This needs to happen

Ok, well the float trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I made it through with minimal embarrassment.
However, I decided that will be the last fat girl on a float trip-trip for me. I am so pissed at myself right now.

I just don't understand how I let myself gain so much weight so fast. When I lost this weight 7 years ago, I told myself I would never be here again. But low and behold...here I am. I am heavier then I have ever been in my life.

I am so pissed off and embarrassed at my appearance right now. Every time I look in the mirror, my eyes fill up with tears because I do not recognise this huge person staring back at me.

I am sitting here now in my office, hiding behind my desk on the verge of crying. I feel guilty for everything I ate so far today...I knew better. From this moment forward, I will never be this sad person again. I want to feel alive again, not just barely surviving. Right now I am terrified at what the next few weeks hold. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I do and I also know it is going to take at least 1 full year of temptations and struggling before I feel 1/2 way decent about myself again. At this point though, I don't have a choice. If I don't get this under control now, it will control me for the rest of my life.

sighhhhhhhh

Whelp, things are going terrible on the diet/weight loss front. Why? All I think about is food and I have been binge eating. fail.


The worst part is this weekend I should be going on a float trip. I can't decide to go or not to go. Why? Is it because I have something really important and a good reason to not go? Nope. The reason: I'm FAT. A TON Fatter then last year's float trip. I will be the only girl who has to cover up in a Moo Moo so as to not scare the fellow floaters on the river. I mean, the last thing I need is a park ranger pulling our raft over and telling me that my fat ass is a risk for the fish under us. Nobody likes a smooched fish.
It is very embarrassing to know that I will be the only non-cute/hot/skinny girl on the trip. My boyfriend will most likely be mortified (as he should) and the other floaters will think, "whoa, what happened to her?" and "who is that girl that ate Lauren?". On the bright side though...all the other hot girls will feel much better about themselves by comparison! I will be doing them a service!! The girls and their respective boyfriend/husband will get a HUGE confidence boost by knowing they don't look as bad as me or they don't have to be with Chubby McChuberson.


I often wonder what it would be like to have these thoughts before going places. Every time I go somewhere the following thoughts run through my head:
-Will I be the biggest one there?
-What can I wear to down play my largeness in chargeness?
-Who will most likely make comments after they leave like: wow she has really put on weight"?
-I wonder if they thought about NOT inviting me cause they were embarrassed?
-FAIL FAIL FAIL. I was supposed to have this under control but now everyone will know I failed.
-Who will be there that will most likely make me cry later when I go home and think about how I look compaired to them?




sooooo, the question remains: Do I go on the float trip and wish I wasn't the fat one or do I not go and possibly piss off the boyfriend? sighhhhhh I don't know.


Please note: I am sure you are thinking, "Lauren, why don't you just shut up and get your ass on the treadmill and stop eating?" I am trying. I have been struggling with this since the 4th grade. If it were that easy I would have done it already. This seems to be the only thing I can't get a grip on.

The dreadful day one of healthy eating

Week One, Day One.

Here are the thoughts going through my head at the moment:

-OMG I am soooo hungry.
-This isn't fair, why should I deprive myself of all that is tasty?
-Why does Molly* get to eat whatever she wants? Why did I get chosen to have a crappy metabolism?
-You know, life is short. I should just eat what I want and be happy instead of depriving myself.
-What are the odds of me actually loosing weight? Is it worth it?
-Wow, it will probably take me 6 months to a year to loose the weight. I don't think I can wait that long.
-Maybe I should do that whole HCG or Phentermine thing, I would loose like 50 pounds in 3 months. Yes, it might be harmful but I want to be a skinny bitch!


Back on Weight Watchers. I tried doing it earlier this month and lost weight but then went on a Loooong binge. This could be rough. I only have 8 points left today.

Workouts start tomorrow. bleh. I look forward to the day I enjoy working out again.

Why am I here?

Why Blog about my journey to running a half marathon and loosing a ton of weight in the process? This is kind of my last hope. I have been trying to do those 2 above mentioned things for over 3 years now. To be put literally: I have failed. My goal is to use this in an effort for me to vent or just organize my thoughts. 

Why run a half marathon? I once trained for and completed a 5 mile race. It was quite simply the best feeling in the world. After all the sweat and tears that went into the training, crossing that finish line was a great accomplishment for a girl who, before training, could not complete 1/2 mile without collapsing. Oh, and to loose weight. 

Why loose weight? Where to begin on this one? I am not happy with my current weight. I have gained 30 pounds in the recent months on top of the weight I already needed to loose. I cannot enjoy summer activities such as float trips, swimming, boating, etc. etc. This bothers me. I understand, some people are bigger then me and some will say "You are skinnier then me, you shouldn't complain", and yes, this might be true, but I obsess about how I look when I am this overweight. I am not happy with myself right now. I want to look good for myself and my amazing boyfriend who deserves a hot skinny bitch. :) 

My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I have always been a good 20-50 pounds heavier then I should be. I have often lusted over designer clothing and jeans that I could not squeeze my right ass cheek into. I go to clubs and instead of enjoying the company or band, I look at the skinny bitches and try to imagine what would change in my life if I weighed the same as her. I also think to myself at work: I wonder how many of these guys say things like "Man Lauren has really packed on the pounds". 

The truth of the matter is this: I do not want to be worrying about my weight anymore. What a waste of my time and energy. If I spent 1/2 that time I think about my weight reading or researching something...I'd be a friggin genius people. Also, I find it kind of sad when women with children obsess about their weight. It is a terrible trait to pass on to their chitlens and isn't fair to the kid (heellllo eating disorder. 

My plan of attack is to blog once a week, tracking my running and weight loss progress. 
Here we go!