UGGGGGGG.

FML and my fatass. There is where I am at right now.

haha. No, wait, I am going to kill you!

So the coworker that suggested I try my current diet plan seen me today. He called me "The Incredible Disappearing Lauren". Which was cool, I liked that. I mean, I haven't lost that much weight, but I will take it. I pictured myself in some skinny bitch circus being all "whoah, now you see the muffin tops, now you DON'T" or me using my current leggings as a trampoline. I digress...about an hour later, he walked by my office and said "I think your boyfriend owes me a thank you card"......at first I laughed and said, "Yeah, he will". but then I thought "OH WHAT THE FUCK?" So does this mean I was REALLY porktastic and now am not so much or does that mean "I am currently a spitting image of a beached whale rocking some (pretty sweet) Pumas but will eventually loose some blubber? huh. I guess I will never know. Seeing as how he is pretty much my future boss, I guess I will have to deal with never knowing.

hahaha. I actually find it pretty funny.

Juuuust kidding.

Hello. I would like to share what happened yesterday morning. Firstly, this weekend, I did not stick to my diet as I should have. Friday I went to long without eating so when I did get around food I went buck-nutty. Saturday I had a Grad-party to attend that had several tasty treats I could not deny. I pretty much assumed I would gain back some of the 8 pounds I had lost. Sunday morning I knew it was time to face the music and get my fat ass on the scale. I stepped on the scale and jumped off angry at myself. I could not believe I worked so hard for nothing. I immediately started bitching and almost crying in front of Daryl. The conversation was as follows:

Me: OMG I gained ALL of it back in 2 days. 2 Days! This is ridiculous. I even shared a piece of cake instead of getting my own,  how did I gain 8 pounds?
Daryl: Don't worry about it you are going to start again this week and you will loose it all.
Me: No I won't! I am never going to be skinny and hot. I am a failure who is doomed to be a nasty fatass the rest of my life!
Daryl: Baby, you look fine now, but we will make sure we do not tempt you as much next weekend. I will be more conscious of what I eat around you.
Me: It doesn't matter. FML, I hate my life...etc etc etc (you get the point)
Daryl: Hang in there I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. You will get there. We will work really hard next weekend...etc etc etc.

At this point, since I am an emotional cutter, I decide to get back on the scale to really make myself feel bad for effing up. I think "get back on the scale you porker, see what you did!!" You know almost like sticking the dogs nose in the puddle he made. Then the conversation was as follows:
Me: Oh...
Daryl: What?
Me: Well...
Daryl: What? What is it?
Me: Well I guess I was reading it wrong.
Daryl: What do you mean?
Me: So come to find out, I actually lost another 2 pounds. I kinda forgot where I started and read the scale wrong.
Daryl: Seriously Lauren?
Me: hehe, yeah. Yay me?
Daryl: I hate you.
Me: Well, if it was test you would have passed. So good job. Remember all that if I end up gaining again.
Daryl: I hate you.

Well friends, I am dying. Please spread my ashes at Ted Drews.

NO seriously.


Last week I abandoned the ol' Weight Watchers for a while. Here is my reasoning: Right now I need something with more structure and that guarantees faster results. If I have to wait 1 year to lose the weight, it just ain't gonna happen. Because I think "Welp, if it is going to take that long...screw it". HENCE, I decided to try a new diet. I normally wouldn't buy into such things but I work with someone who did this new diet and lost 40 lbs in 4 months. Hell to the yes. After I loose the metric ton I need to, I plan on going back to WW because it will seem like a treat compared to Medifast.


On to the dying topic. Holy Shit I am fucking hungry! I feel like one of those ethiopian kids trapt in a pale fat kid's body. I keep checking to see if I can see my ribs, but nope. Day one of diet is not going so well. I seriously think my body is in shock. Its all "hey fat ass, what are you doing? How dare you feed me healthy things in such small portions. How do you expect us to maintain the cellulite if you don't feed me? Muffin tops just don't happen, it took years of bacon and ice cream you porker".  Yeah, so my body is in shock and friends, I am alllll kinds of bitchtastic today. It is probably a good thing the boyfriend is out of town right now. I am pretty sure if I had to watch him eat a tasty dinner tonight while I gnaw on chicken and broccoli...I would crawl across the table and smack the living shit out of him. Lord knows he doesn't deserve to have the living shit smacked right out of him....


In summary: I am dying of hunger and bitchiness. The only thing keeping me going is the thought of me being able to dress up instead of hiding behind tshirts and baggy jeans.

Fuck You Wii Fit!

So, after years of wanting it I finally landed a Wii Fit (plus). I was really excited to get that up and going. I think it will be a great supplement to my running routine. It will also keep me from sitting around after work and shoving my face. I fired it up, got my measurements and then that motherfucker categorized me as obese! WTF?!? Don't get me wrong, I know I have waaaaayyyy too much junk in my trunk but OBESE? My Mii turned into a fatass before my eyes. Pudgey cheeks and all. I thought Obese was reserved for people who had to get the special furniture made for big people or that chick at Walmart who almost ran me over with her motorized cart. Nope, I am in the same category.

Sighhhh, guess it is time to get my fat..nono, OBESE ass in gear.

Supportive Bras

Bras like what Dogg the Bounty Hunter says....duh (bros but with an a).
I have come to realize how lucky I am to have such a great support network during my weight loss "journey". I can't think of another word so journey will do just fine.

Michelle: Miss Michelle is one of those people who I may not see very often, but when I need it she is there for me. She is also proof that Weight Watchers works (go Michelle!!). She is one of the few people that I can say things like "I don't wanna go cause I am fat" and instead of judging me, she says "yeah, I know what you mean". A girl needs a friend like that to assure me I am not bat shit crazy.

Roberta: I work with Roberta and she is really what inspired me to do Weight Watchers. I have really enjoyed seeing her transformation. She has lost damn near 50 pounds (go Roberta!!). Also, every other day when I am considering quitting this whole diet thing, she is the one who talks me back on the wagon. She assures me that I am not the only one with slip-ups. We also can badmouth the skinny bitches we work with who try to entice us with tasty foods, oddly enough when they know we are trying to loose weight. kiss my overweight right ass cheek, leave us alone! haha. She also brought be a handy-dandy Weight Watchers Calender, that was very nice. :)

April: Sighhhhh, what can I say about Mrs. April?? She is by far the best-best friend a girl could ask for. Her honesty and sincerity are the two qualities I admire most about her, besides her ability to be a great mom. She is also an inspiration to get up and going with this whole weight loss thing, but even more importantly, she insists that I am decent the way I am now. And I quote:" I just hope you can find love for yourself whether you reach your ultimate goal or just part of it. Because even if you don't, just trying says something." That is straight from a FB message people. Who says those things?!!? My best friend April does. And words cannot describe how thankful or how much those words mean to me.

Durr-ell: Talk about a trooper. He has to hear the constant comments I make about my weight or skinny bitches. Poor guy, lol. He has to convince me that I do NOT look to fat to go on a float trip or out with friends. Maybe I should work on that....Anywho, he also is a great liar. He says nice things to me that make me feel a little less repulsive. He also has been a great motivator in working out and eating more decent. For example, here was some thing very close to our conversation re guarding dinner on Friday night:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Daryl: I don't know what sounds good to you?
Me: Well, I think frozen pizza sounds really good.
Daryl: Really? That doesn't sound good to me, I will cook some chicken.
Me: Are you sure, cause it is already pretty late. Mmmmm pizza.
Daryl: No, we are eating chicken.
Me: fine.

Now we all know everyone likes pizza. Who doesn't think frozen pizza is perfect on a Friday night? NO ONE. Buuuut he knew, I was having a hard time getting through the week. So he convinced me otherwise. Nice, nice work.

At this point you are probably wondering why I am rambling about these people. Well, I suppose it just hit me how lucky I am to have them in my life. I know some people have zero support and still manage to loose the weight, so I really have no excuses. I am ready to do this and so I almost owe it to everyone to be happier and a better friend (who doesn't bitch about how my thighs look like an elephants thighs).

I am only down one pound this week, but considering I had a slip up on Thursday, I'll take it.

Thanks friends. Your support and understanding means more than you know!

OK. This needs to happen

Ok, well the float trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I made it through with minimal embarrassment.
However, I decided that will be the last fat girl on a float trip-trip for me. I am so pissed at myself right now.

I just don't understand how I let myself gain so much weight so fast. When I lost this weight 7 years ago, I told myself I would never be here again. But low and behold...here I am. I am heavier then I have ever been in my life.

I am so pissed off and embarrassed at my appearance right now. Every time I look in the mirror, my eyes fill up with tears because I do not recognise this huge person staring back at me.

I am sitting here now in my office, hiding behind my desk on the verge of crying. I feel guilty for everything I ate so far today...I knew better. From this moment forward, I will never be this sad person again. I want to feel alive again, not just barely surviving. Right now I am terrified at what the next few weeks hold. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I do and I also know it is going to take at least 1 full year of temptations and struggling before I feel 1/2 way decent about myself again. At this point though, I don't have a choice. If I don't get this under control now, it will control me for the rest of my life.