sighhhhhhhh

Whelp, things are going terrible on the diet/weight loss front. Why? All I think about is food and I have been binge eating. fail.


The worst part is this weekend I should be going on a float trip. I can't decide to go or not to go. Why? Is it because I have something really important and a good reason to not go? Nope. The reason: I'm FAT. A TON Fatter then last year's float trip. I will be the only girl who has to cover up in a Moo Moo so as to not scare the fellow floaters on the river. I mean, the last thing I need is a park ranger pulling our raft over and telling me that my fat ass is a risk for the fish under us. Nobody likes a smooched fish.
It is very embarrassing to know that I will be the only non-cute/hot/skinny girl on the trip. My boyfriend will most likely be mortified (as he should) and the other floaters will think, "whoa, what happened to her?" and "who is that girl that ate Lauren?". On the bright side though...all the other hot girls will feel much better about themselves by comparison! I will be doing them a service!! The girls and their respective boyfriend/husband will get a HUGE confidence boost by knowing they don't look as bad as me or they don't have to be with Chubby McChuberson.


I often wonder what it would be like to have these thoughts before going places. Every time I go somewhere the following thoughts run through my head:
-Will I be the biggest one there?
-What can I wear to down play my largeness in chargeness?
-Who will most likely make comments after they leave like: wow she has really put on weight"?
-I wonder if they thought about NOT inviting me cause they were embarrassed?
-FAIL FAIL FAIL. I was supposed to have this under control but now everyone will know I failed.
-Who will be there that will most likely make me cry later when I go home and think about how I look compaired to them?




sooooo, the question remains: Do I go on the float trip and wish I wasn't the fat one or do I not go and possibly piss off the boyfriend? sighhhhhh I don't know.


Please note: I am sure you are thinking, "Lauren, why don't you just shut up and get your ass on the treadmill and stop eating?" I am trying. I have been struggling with this since the 4th grade. If it were that easy I would have done it already. This seems to be the only thing I can't get a grip on.